Well I really have nothing to say today...not really. I miss my friends ALOT!!! Maybe I'll go visit them when everyone is free. That would be kinda cool. We used to do everything together and now that it's just me, I never realized how lonely it would be without them. Sure I'm in a house filled with people everyday, but I don't have that sense of peace and trust that I have when I am around my friends. Alot of stuff has happened that made me evaluate my fellings toward everyone around me including my family. I learned that I don't trust or love my family like I should. I know that sounds wrong, but it's true. I don't think that if I had a choice between my life and the life of some of my family members, that I would choose them over myself. Before you bite my head off or call me evil, let me let you in on a bit of information....they wouldn't give a flying fuck what happened to me. My friends were the only people that I felt were truly family to me, that's why they are so precious to me. I think that's why it usually takes a long time for me too trust others enough to give them the title 'friend'. That's why it was really weird how in both cases were I met Chon when I was little and Fonda when I was a lot older that for some reason, we seemed to click instantly. That has never happened before. I can't even remember how old I was when I first met Chon, but I knew that she was my friend. The same with Fonda although I know I was 21 when I met her because I had just started college again. Those two girls are really the only people that have had the opportunity to see the real me. Not the me that I show to get praise from people I know are expecting me to act a certain way. Or the me I show to people when I feel that I don't want the world to see that I'm more vulnerable than I claim to be. I let my freinds see me because they love me for who Wanda is.

Just recently I've realized that I am like that with family. There are only a handful of people that know the real me. IN MY FAMILY!!! I felt sick when I caught myself putting on an act for one of my grandmothers. I just went in the room and laid down. The same with my parents and every other older family member. The only people that know 'Wanda' are my two sisters, my cousin Erika, and...and...there is no one else. What's wrong with me?!?!? What kinda person has to put on a mask for family members that are suppose to know them but know nothing about them?!?!? They know nothing!!!! They only know what I want them to know, and don't try to find out more. I know in my heart that that isn't normal. Wow...I'm more pathetic than I let myself believe I was. I guess you learn soemthing knew about yourself all the time. And the sad part about it is...I don't want that to change. Once I go to Cali...I don't plan on coming anywhere near Pascagoula, MS. And I have never been more peaceful with any other decision I have made in my life. This isn't a spur of the moment thing either. I've been thinking about this for a long time. AmeriCorp is my ticket out, I don't plan to waste it.

Wow...I guess I had more to say than I thought huh? *smile* Fonda, Chon, Shauntay, Bria, and Erika...I love you guys no matter what. ALways know that...kay? I'll always keep in touch and you'll always know where I am. I know I made a lot of mistakes during this post, but I don't want to change them. They make the post more raw...Well....that's it...